Hi David - I like it! If I haven't said it before, I do think you have a good instinct for storytelling - and you always write engagingly when you're dealing with story. I like your script - the tone of it - the narrator sort of confiding in us as we watch the action unfold. I like too the nicely 'squashy/stretchy' character designs - lots of potential there and your drawings here are communicative of their charms.
I do have some observations re. your metaphor, which feels like it's betwixt and between at the moment and needs to be pushed in one direction or another. I like the 'school kid' and the 'exam room' metaphor a lot - but then the 'security guards' feel like they don't sit comfortably with the high-school logic you've established. It would make more sense if the 'authority' were in fact strict teachers/headmaster characters - so when the exam isn't passed and the cell is denied access and return to the beginning, it makes more sense to your audience, as the school metaphor continues within their own realm of experience. The other observation I'd make is I think this story would work even better if we were introduced to two cell-kids - one (our hero) who looks a bit meek and mild and the other, who is somehow more of a jock, more brash. It feels like the jock (who is a malignant cell) might be wanting to 'cheat' in the exam, but what we see is two parallel stories, where the hero cell is seen to progress all the way to cell division, while the jock cell cheats and cheats again, until finally we see him/it lead off through an ominous looking door entitled 'Expulsion' - again, in terms of your metaphor, the idea that the cells are 'killed' might be to break your school experience theme? (A bit graphic?) so perhaps the idea of a 'cheating cell being expelled from the school forever' says it finally enough?
In order to explain the cell cycle, it does feel as if you need two characters - one who is seen to progress by doing the right thing, and another that teaches us about what happens to a cell that is trying to pass without having done 'the work'.
When it comes to spoken-word driven animations, you just need to be keenly aware of the duration - so look for ways to make economies and ensure that the narration isn't replicating what we can understand visually on screen.
In short, this idea has lots of potential - and in terms of environment etc - I can easily see how the action could happen in front of nice, stylised matte paintings - so a minimum of modelling of 'things', to give you sufficient time to the animation of your characters - so backgrounds such as these:
I'm loving your idea about the matt paintings! I went in wanting it to feel like an older cartoon, once used to teach kids in the 70's. Or perhaps taking it further back and going with the "Hey there little timmy" type show from the 50's. Since those are timeless and are still entertaining for children today... at least it was for me as a child.
I agree about having 2 cells, after submitting this i had an idea of having a cell who is always on their phone, maybe smoking, never paying attention and just focussing on their social media... to maybe say something about todays world.
and of course have that cell fail while our protagonist passes.
i also agree with your statement about security being a little too strong for a school setting, i had somehow completely missed the fact that schools already have a type of security in the teachers and prefects. I will change my focus accordingly.
oh and before i forget, thank you. Story telling has always been a passion of mine, whether it was comics or animation and it's nice to see i'm imporiving.
OGR 16/03/17
ReplyDeleteHi David - I like it! If I haven't said it before, I do think you have a good instinct for storytelling - and you always write engagingly when you're dealing with story. I like your script - the tone of it - the narrator sort of confiding in us as we watch the action unfold. I like too the nicely 'squashy/stretchy' character designs - lots of potential there and your drawings here are communicative of their charms.
I do have some observations re. your metaphor, which feels like it's betwixt and between at the moment and needs to be pushed in one direction or another. I like the 'school kid' and the 'exam room' metaphor a lot - but then the 'security guards' feel like they don't sit comfortably with the high-school logic you've established. It would make more sense if the 'authority' were in fact strict teachers/headmaster characters - so when the exam isn't passed and the cell is denied access and return to the beginning, it makes more sense to your audience, as the school metaphor continues within their own realm of experience. The other observation I'd make is I think this story would work even better if we were introduced to two cell-kids - one (our hero) who looks a bit meek and mild and the other, who is somehow more of a jock, more brash. It feels like the jock (who is a malignant cell) might be wanting to 'cheat' in the exam, but what we see is two parallel stories, where the hero cell is seen to progress all the way to cell division, while the jock cell cheats and cheats again, until finally we see him/it lead off through an ominous looking door entitled 'Expulsion' - again, in terms of your metaphor, the idea that the cells are 'killed' might be to break your school experience theme? (A bit graphic?) so perhaps the idea of a 'cheating cell being expelled from the school forever' says it finally enough?
In order to explain the cell cycle, it does feel as if you need two characters - one who is seen to progress by doing the right thing, and another that teaches us about what happens to a cell that is trying to pass without having done 'the work'.
When it comes to spoken-word driven animations, you just need to be keenly aware of the duration - so look for ways to make economies and ensure that the narration isn't replicating what we can understand visually on screen.
In short, this idea has lots of potential - and in terms of environment etc - I can easily see how the action could happen in front of nice, stylised matte paintings - so a minimum of modelling of 'things', to give you sufficient time to the animation of your characters - so backgrounds such as these:
https://img.clipartfest.com/5f65c3a45d3dc25b1b6873f85d0077fc_high-school-hallway-by-high-school-hallway-clipart_853-480.jpeg
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/wp-content/uploads/backtoschool.jpg
I'm loving your idea about the matt paintings! I went in wanting it to feel like an older cartoon, once used to teach kids in the 70's. Or perhaps taking it further back and going with the "Hey there little timmy" type show from the 50's. Since those are timeless and are still entertaining for children today... at least it was for me as a child.
DeleteI agree about having 2 cells, after submitting this i had an idea of having a cell who is always on their phone, maybe smoking, never paying attention and just focussing on their social media... to maybe say something about todays world.
and of course have that cell fail while our protagonist passes.
i also agree with your statement about security being a little too strong for a school setting, i had somehow completely missed the fact that schools already have a type of security in the teachers and prefects. I will change my focus accordingly.
oh and before i forget, thank you. Story telling has always been a passion of mine, whether it was comics or animation and it's nice to see i'm imporiving.